Jesus calls us to
direct communication and reconciliation
Sermon preached at
St. Mark’s,
by The Rev. Thomas C. Pumphrey, September 7, 2008
Seventeenth
Sunday after Pentecost (year A, proper 18): Matthew 18:15-20
Matthew 18:15-20 (NRSV): "If another member of the church sins
against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the
member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened
to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed
by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to
them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the
church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell
you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose
on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree
on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in
heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among
them."
Three years ago, we
watched the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina descend into chaos with the
breakdown of effective communication, creating anger and hysteria that still
lingers far from the city of
Jesus knew that
conflict would be part of life in the Christian Community, and that even people
with high values and standards fail each other from time to time. Jesus’ words
to his followers that we heard in today’s Gospel reading address conflict and
wrongdoing in the church. Jesus leaves us with concrete examples about how
direct communication can help us reconcile with each other.
Jesus says "If
your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, between you and him
alone.” The English translation of the Bible that we used this
morning (the New Revised Standard Version) generally avoids using generic
masculine pronouns, so they translate the word for “brother” as “member”
because Christians addressed each
other as brothers and sisters in Christ. Another translation that retains the
original intimacy of the language might put the passage like this:
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have regained your brother. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every word may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a gentile or a tax collector.”[1]
Jesus is suggesting a way for brothers and sisters in Christ to respond to sin in their midst. There are a lot of implications to consider in this passage, but ones most interesting, I believe, are Jesus’ emphases on direct communication and seeking reconciliation. Notice that Jesus does NOT say: “If your brother sins against you, go tell your friends so that you can spend lots of time talking him down.” Jesus does not say: “treat him bitterly, but hide the problem from him so as not to hurt his feelings.” No, Jesus says “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault—just the two of you alone.”
When Clergy and lay leaders go to leadership workshops, they are repeatedly told that the number one thing that they can do for the health of their congregations is to avoid and dismantle interpersonal triangles. Triangles form when people do not communicate directly, but instead go through third parties, or express their anxieties or anger to people other than their adversary.
Triangles are, frankly, the basic building blocks of television sitcoms. The story line develops like this: Mariann is mad at Ginger, because Ginger ate all of Mariann’s bananas that she was saving for a special dinner. But does Mariann go and talk with Ginger about this? No! She goes and tells Gilligan how Ginger is an awful thief and a dirty rotten scoundrel and how Ginger has spoiled Mariann’s plans for dinner. Gilligan then picks up all of Mariann’s anxiety and becomes anxious to fix things between Mariann and Ginger. So Gilligan goes to Ginger to try to fix the situation. Of course, Ginger is livid and defends herself against “that jealous and envious Mariann,” sending Gilligan off with an angry message to Mariann.
See how this works? The relationship at issue is between Mariann and Ginger, but they aren’t talking to each other—they are dumping their anxiety on Gilligan, the third point in the triangle. Instead of Mariann and Ginger taking responsibility for their relationship, they are letting Gilligan take responsibility for their relationship (this is, of course, much “easier” for them). According to Family Systems Theory, this is a classic triangle.
Or perhaps it might work this way. Mariann tells Gilligan, who tells the Skipper, who tells the Professor who tells Mrs. Howell. Mrs. Howell tells Ginger who explodes in anger and convinces Mrs. Howell to be angry at Mariann. Now Mrs. Howell is short tempered and defensive toward the Professor for being “on Mariann’s side.” Now the whole crew drops into fights and arguments, factions and bitterness due to unresolved anxiety picked up by everyone except the two people who can actually resolve their issues.
To all this, Jesus responds ‘Mariann!! If your sister sins against you—don’t go to Gilligan or anyone else—go to your sister—just the two of you—and point out her fault. If she listens to you, you have regained your sister.’
Notice that Gilligan allowed Mariann’s anxiety to push him. Instead of picking up Mariann’s anxiety, Gilligan could have helped Mariann to work through her feelings, and then offer the best advice a friend can make: “Go talk with Ginger directly.”
Now this is all humorous on Gilligan’s
I was delighted this past spring, during our Capital Campaign, when many people were enthusiastic about the campaign and the capital projects—our new HVAC system, the new ramp, tithing to Steeple To People, and shoring up our financial savings. Positive feedback is always encouraging. But I was especially encouraged by those who spoke to me and other campaign leaders about their concerns and anxieties or even disagreement with these projects. They responded not with factions and silent resentment, but by speaking directly with me. Then, even in disagreement, we could still in relationship, learning from each other, listening to each other. We cannot be in relationship with each other, if we are not directly communicating with each other. Emotional reactivity and triangles may be the building blocks of sit-coms, but direct communication is a building block of relationship and reconciliation.
Reconciliation is ultimately what Jesus wants—even when one-on-one conversation does not work. Jesus spells out further steps to restoring the division caused by another’s sin. Witnesses can come along—not to take responsibility for the first person’s issue, but to facilitate reconciliation between two people. Counselors and pastors, for instance, are not advocates for individuals as much as we are advocates for reconciliation, for clear communication and more healthy relationship.
If the sin is serious and affects the whole community, then the whole community may have to deal with the offender. Churches have had to discipline clergy and leaders for serious misconduct. Even then, however, some have been unrepentant, and new boundaries must be drawn to protect the safety and integrity of the community.
Even in this last resort, notice what Jesus says. He tells his followers to treat the unrepentant person like a gentile and a tax collector. Often this verse is used to defend shunning, either official or unofficial, both in the church and in families. Gentiles and tax collectors were indeed seen as outside the community. But perhaps we should think twice about how we are supposed to treat people such as gentiles and tax collectors. Perhaps we should ask how Jesus treated gentiles and tax collectors.
Jesus asked for their repentance, yes, but he also reached out to gentiles and tax collectors. These outcasts were the people to whom Jesus preached, the ones invited by Jesus to baptism and forgiveness and new life. Jesus ate dinner with Zacheaus the tax collector, called Matthew the tax collector to be one of his apostles, and Jesus healed the Samaritan Woman’s daughter and the Roman Centurion’s servant. To Jesus, no one is outside the range of God’s forgiveness. Repentance is available to everyone, and therefore reconciliation and renewed relationship is available to everyone. Jesus is not asking us to be direct in our communication in order to simply call people sinners. Jesus calls us to direct communication so that our relationships might be deepened and reconciled, so that we might repent and forgive each other for our sins, so that we might deepen our bond in Jesus Christ.
Mariann can go to Ginger and say “I needed those bananas,
but you ate them!” Ginger can say “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I
will ask you next time, please forgive me.” They can be reconciled and feed on
the fruit of God’s grace, spreading that holy nourishment among their friends.
This kind of response would ruin the sitcom, but this kind of grace-filled
response will strengthen families and build-up the church, the body of Christ.
By God’s grace and forgiveness of us, we can answer Jesus’ call to direct
communication, to healthy relationships and to reconciliation.